It seems that some people can go through entire marriages without much genuine interaction.
Then they hire lawyers, have their proverbial day in court, and divorce — ostensibly to move on with their separate lives in new directions.
Yet it only takes a few months before they truly come to appreciate the need for a fresh look at the way they are then currently dealing with their former spouses. Yes, they’re divorced. But the dialogues and feelings are all too reminiscent of when they were married.
But they are still playing those same old games.
Why?
Games Divorced People Play has the answers. Originally published in 1981, this book remains a top pick for helping individuals understand the nature of unhealthy, lingering attachments, the perceived benefits of continuing with duplicity, and the exit gates for disembarking such perpetually painful rollercoaster rides.
“Divorce games are marital games in disguise,” wrote authors Dr. Melvyn A Berke and Joanne B Grant in their preface. The term “game” builds on “the ideas and language of Transactional Analysis, better known as TA,” explained Chapter 2. “TA was spawned out of the genius of a practicing psychoanalyst, the late Dr Eric Berne,” a decade-and-a-half earlier. [1]
For those readers who are interested, Dr Berke and Ms Grant provide a fine explanation of TA, with illustrations. A simple outline is also provided to make the balance of their book readily accessible to the layman.
A game consists of three elements.
- Interactions between two or more people that “appear socially plausible.”
- “A hidden or ulterior motive which is the real message.”
- A predictable “payoff,” which is the real motive for playing, draws that particular game to a close. (Followed by the next round, with the same, variation, or different game.)
There is no such thing as a healthy relationship, let alone marriage, without intimacy. Games Divorced People Play notes that intimacy “is free of hidden motives and exploitation.” In other words, no games.
Former husbands and wives in the process of “unhooking” from one another after their divorce paperwork is entered don’t need and shouldn’t seek intimacy with each other, of course. But their path to game avoidance is the same: Straightforward, authentic interactions, “free of hidden motives and exploitation.” Without these, they’ll continue to be subject to persisting, unhealthy attachment — and unavailable for next relationships, effective parenting, and other more fully enjoyed social outlets.
The games that Transactional Analysis helps readers understand are primed for failure in three ways. First, they are by design intended to draw players toward closeness while at the same time keeping them from ever actually becoming close. Second, they require an ongoing understanding and ability to translate some overt interaction “A” into a quite different “B” interaction.
Finally, games need two or more players dedicated to achieving painful outcomes as much for themselves as much as anyone else.
Why would any rational person participate in such things?
It’s actually not as hard to find players as one might think to find players.
In general, Dr Berke and Ms Grant lay out in examples a case for gamers who are motivated by confirming their own established world views. In the case of Games Divorced People Play, these are both fundamentally marital themes and some uniquely related to post-marriage.
- What do you believe to be true about parenting, co-parenting, and parent-child relationships?
- What do you believe to be true about finances, the role of money in a relationship, and how partners can, should provide for one another?
- What do you believe to be true about the purposes and process of dating, sexuality, your image (“the image one should portray”), and transparency?
- What do you believe to be true about divorce, the legal system, forgiveness in society, and the possibility of fair outcomes?
What’s the antidote? “Successful After Divorce relationships consist of four basic elements:
- “Courtesy,
- “Financial Commitment,
- “Parental Commitment, and
- “Minimal Personal Contact.”
Dozens of games are also listed and analyzed. Move-by-move discussions, reasoning, and escape recommendations are frequently provided. Player types include not just former husbands and wives, but also children, new romantic partners, and others who orbit just outside the original nuclear family unit.
Rubber hits the road in the concluding pages of Games Divorced People Play, with self-assessment inventories for improving the reader’s control over post-divorce situations where he or she can and should be exercising more control. Section heads include, “Know You,” “Know Your Wants in a New Relationship,” “How Much and What Are You Willing to Give in a New Relationship?” “Your Willingness to be a Stepparent and Extended Family Member,” and a “Game Checklist.”
Highly recommended.
This article was also published in The Ann Arbor News. [2]
References
- “Psychology Classics: Games People Play (1964) Eric Berne” (book review) Tom Butler-Bowdon.
- “Book review: ‘Games Divorced People Play’ by Dr Melvyn A Berke and Joanne Be Grant” Dell Deaton (November 19, 2009) The Ann Arbor News.
